Well i'm off to Mexico for a week!!

Adios!

Gosh...

why do people have to be so critical all the time?? Just in general... its so human nature to just criticize. I hate it.

let's change that.

I know.. i'm a horrible person!!!

So... i got a live journal. i know i know. terrible. i told myself i never would, and what did i do?? got one. oh well. i figured this way i could keep in touch with some of my friends that have them that are leaving for school in a couple months. dont worry, i'll still keep this one...but its not like anyone reads it anymore.

mmmmm

I love the rain!!

Well... at least I'm alive

ACT was today..... after four hours of frustration and anxst and a slightly achy back from my malfunctioning chair... i got through it.

Bad news: i still had to go to school afterwards for 3 hours. and i have to wait four weeks for the results.

Good news: i'm still alive?? at least for four more weeks until i die when i see my horrible score!! its ok, i'll just blame the malfunctioning chair.

BAHHH

You know what subject I am utterly and completely sick of? Prom. I am just soooo sick of it. And its in four weeks... so that means that we have four more weeks of drama drama drama. Its driving me up the wall. Last night two of my friends called me in tears over a certain subject, and while it wasnt completely about prom, it still was mentioned several times. People, people, people. Prom is not the type of thing to go into hysterics about. Seriously. And I am soooo sick of people asking me who I'm going with. I just kinda laugh and say, I dont have a date. And then they just get this concerned look and stare at me and say.... "You don't have a date?? Ooooh I'm sooo sorry!!!! Are you even going to go??? Feel better k??" OH MY GOSH please people.... lets get serious. First of all, like I said before, there are four weeks until prom. is there some unwritten rule that if you dont have a date at the four weeks mark you're not going to get one?? not that i know of. Second of all, if I dont have a date, its not the end of the world. I'm not going to go kill myself or drive some guy's car over a cliff. And third of all.... please.... I am NOT one of those girls who doesnt go just because she doesnt have a date. I think I have more respect for myself than that, and I dont need to rely on a guy for all my happiness.

Also.... what is the big deal? And why does everyone feel like they need to come to me to figure out who they're going to ask? Sorry... but I dont want to help you. Especially if when I give you an idea, you bug me about it for days on whether or not I think its a good idea. If I gave you the idea, then of course I'm going to think its a good idea because I gave it to you. End of discussion. And then the people that keep asking me who I want to go with. Ok, lets just get this clear: yes, it would be great to have a date. yes, I have a person in mind. No, I am not going to tell you. I have only told 3 people plus my mom and you know why? Because theater is nothing but a huge gossip farm. There are eyes and ears in the walls on the floors. Things get heard, they get spread, they get twisted, and before you know it, its not just that I want to go to prom with Mr. Guy Man, its that I'm having Mr. Guy Man's baby. So get over it, move on, stick to your own business. If I want you to know, I will freely tell you.... but I am NOT going to just go around and be like, "so I really want to go to prom with Mr. Guy Man" to everyone and their dog. Let me do things my way, and you do things yours.

Seriously, even writing this post is buying into the prom mania. Cuz i'm still talking about it... I'm still getting worked up about it. GRRRRR. Oh and I even had a dream about it last night... where this guy that i hardly even know asked me to prom, and I said no, and then prom was like really strange and I wore this weird brown shirt over my dress the entire time. Even in my dreams prom is warped and twisted. grrr.

On a ligther note, that last post was my 100th post. Yay. *balloons and confetti shower down on your head*

P.S i changed my template cuz i was getting really annoyed with that one for some reason.

I sit here... kneeling
Singing. Praying.
I cry out in sudden silence:
"Speak, I am listening!"
But I get no reply

I listen to the silence in my mind
In an empty room full of people.
I hear the music crash around me
Like waves on a shore of enternal life.
But I get no reply

I pour my heart out
I surrender.
At least thats what I think I'm doing.
But no one can really know for sure...
Its something you must feel.
But still I get no reply

My voice succombs to the music
I lose myself to the art of worship.
"I'm listening... I'm listening."
My words repeat over and over in my head.
But still I get no reply

I talk about You...
Share what You have done for me.
It opens my eyes and my heart.
I even hear something... a faint whisper of sorrow.
And then all at once I get a reply.

What You have to tell me
Is right in front of me.
Thats all I know for now.
But one thing that I have discovered
Is that voice in my head that I thought was mine
The one that cried out "speak to me... I'm listening"--
Perhaps it wasnt mine at all.
Maybe, just maybe it was Yours.
You want to know me, You want to love me.
You died for me so that I may live,
And I can't even manage one good deed a day to thank You.

I want to speak to You.
I want to open up my deepest fears
Hopes, dreams, loves, gratitutdes,
Upon your table.
For You are my Lord
And I want to worship You
In anyway I can.
First I will speak to You.
Then speak with You
And finally, speak for You.
For I love You above all things.
For You know all things,
You endure all things,
and You are all things.

I think I got my reply.

This past week has been an amazing week. I think the stars have realigned themselves. Or perhaps its a little thing called spring break. either way, its been fun.

some highlights:

**going to lifespot to see one band and becoming obsessed with the band that played before them (and stalking the members just a little bit)

**helping plan a surprise party

**three words: WHEEL OF FORTUNE!!!!!!

**college visits... especially getting lost in boulder and almost sleeping in the most shifty hotel i've ever seen (kinda thrilling)

**going shopping on pearl street with my mom

**recieving a $25 check after finding out I won this poetry contest thing

**our "delightful diversion" dance which is AWESOME

**getting a job

**hanging out with my dad even though i got alttitude sickness and couldnt go skiing

**getting my prom dress :)

**going to the melting pot and spending $31 (eek!)

**watching my puppy recover from ACL surgery

**getting to see my sister twice in one week




hope you guys all had a good week too!!!! i have to admit, i'm not looking forward to tomorrow morning but at least this past week will give me a little euphoria to carry on throughout the next few weeks...

Things I hate in life....

BEWARE: the following post contains a lot of ranting, so if you dont want my downer ranting to bring down your good day, then dont read.

Things I hate in life:

***lies

***hypocrites

***egos

***people who make up some huge story just so that they wont "hurt you" but then when you really find out the truth, it ends up hurting even more just because you realized that the person didnt have the guts to tell you the truth in the first place

***being naive

***formalities

***cliques

***pity invites

***not being able to go to dance for weeks

***bad dreams

***missing someone

***finding out that the reason a guy wont date you is because you're too "moral" for him and oooh no... I cant date someone who has *gasp* morals or else I might corrupt them and I wouldnt want that to happen.

***finding out that ^^^ information and questioning your morals

***thinking about that ^^^ and feeling bad for ever doubting yourself to begin with.

*** sitting at home all by yourself just knowing that all of your friends are doing tons of fun stuff and no one called you. And then having your parents try to cheer you up by saying "its ok.... we're more fun anyway."

***being forced to do something you really dont want to do

***trying to confide in someone about your problems just to find out that they know more about your problems then you do.

***having to fake a smile every single day just so people wont come up to you and go "oooh are you ok?? whats wrong?? you should feel better!!!!"

***thinking that nothing can possibly get worse than how it is right now, and then all of the sudden, it does.

***hearing over and over from people that you didnt get the part that you got in the musical because of your talent... oh no!! you dont have any talent!!!! they just gave that to you because you're small and you look young!!!!

***coming to terms with the fact that all of that ^^^ probably is true

***trying to make a statement and ignore someone who really really hurt you, but they're so oblivious that they dont understand that you're not talking to them so they just go on like everything is normal.

***finding out that someone has been trying to pull the wool over your eyes for months and you didnt realize it.

***realizing that someone you trusted didnt feel it was important to tell you some very important information, and that you had to find it out from someone else who had nothing to do with the situation.

***people who know about stuff in situations that they're not even involved in and then they go and gossip about it to the world

***gossip

***people who dont know how to just let go and move on

***people who get really good roles in plays or get into sports or choirs and then all they do is complain to other people about it. just be thankful for what you have because I guarentee you that half of the people that you're complaining to wanted the very thing that you're complaining about.

***realizing that something that you've dreamed about for 6 years is never going to happen for you because you're not good enough.

***after realizing it ^^^, practically being told that very thing by someone else

***people who "tiptoe" around you just to not upset you, but that just makes you even more upset.

***Splenda.. seriously who the heck invented that stuff?? it is disgusting and they put it in EVERYTHING

***people who are fake

***finding out that it was all a lie

***people who just let chances pass them by

***never being able to measure up to your friends

***people who claim they are "unique" only to see that they have a little posse of clones exactly like them

***losing touch with your sister

***people who shamelessly flirt because they're bored

***ranting

***realizing that more than half of the stuff you are ranting about people doing you're actually guilty of yourself

To Peche and Nathan (but others can/should read too)

This is in response to the comments that you guys left on my last post. I read them, and I definately knew that I needed to respond to them sometime, but I just wasnt feeling it for awhile.

In regarding what you guys brought up about living your life to glorify God, I have a few things to say. I agree and disagree with both of you. I do believe that you must glorify God in everything you do.... except by no means is reading a book a selfish act. It is a quiet activity that calms a person and allows them to learn things about life and about themselves. On the other hand, reading is a quiet activity that one does in seclusion, so yes, one might argue that a person is not living their life for God or to the fullest at that moment when they are reading.

On Tuesday night, I went to this thing called XLT at St. Thomas Moore church. Its just a night designed for worshiping God and reflecting on how we should live our lifes. The guest speaker was named JD and by a lovely coincidence, he talked about living your life by glorifying God in everything you do. He said that while you should glorify God in everything you do ( including eating, sleeping, etc.), he also said that by doing things that you love, (sports, theater, music, reading, dancing, etc) you are also glorifying God because you are doing something that makes you happy, which makes God happy. Also, God gives us talents, and by using them, we are glorifying him. So, say if I had a hidden talent of..... um.... pie eating... and i never used that talent, then that's not good, because its a gift from God. However, if i entered myself into tons of pie eating contests, then in that sense, I would be glorifying God because i would be using the gift he gave me.

Anyway, I'm not sure if this makes any sense.... but I just thought that i was kinda cool that we had been talking about this and then all of a sudden that was the topic at this thing Tuesday night. So therefore, I will end this post with something JD said: "Glorify God in the way that you feel you need to glorify Him, not in the way someone tells you to."

Lent!!!

So, Lent started yesterday, and I'm so excited because Lent is my favorite time of the year. I don't know why, but just something about it... it feels so refreshing. Its like, you have 40 days to make yourself into a better person and grow deeper in your relationship with God. Its amazing.

Another thing I like about it is that you get to give something up so that you can use the time/energy you save in not doing what you gave up to pray or help out your parents or chat with an old friend or make yourself healthier, etc. etc. I always try and give up something that will make me a better person in the long run. Something that takes up too much of my time, so by the time Lent is over, I'm so used to not doing that thing that I do it less and its less of my life, even when I dont need to give it up anymore. Its cool.

****Random fact break****** Did you know that between Ash Wednesday (the beginning of Lent) and Easter Sunday (the end of Lent), there are actually 47 days? So then why is it said that Lent is 40 days? Well, actually, the seven extra days are Sundays, and when you give something up for Lent, you can actually have that something back on Sundays. Cool, huh? Usually I dont though... I try and make it all the way through.

So this Lent, I'm giving up myspace... because I am sooo addicted to it. It seriously takes up so much of my time and to be honest I dont like the person that I have become because of it. I have become this self-centered, narsicistic person who only cares about other people's opinion. I mean, obviously some aspects of it are very cool... how you get to express your personality and stuff, but a lot of the aspects I dont like. For instance, I hate the fact that its a common conception that you have to have comments from people every day or else you feel like a total reject. I havent gotten to the stage where I post bullitens saying "pleez leave me comments cuz i'm lonely!!!" but you never know. Also, I hate, hate, hate the pictures. Its cool cuz you get to share with people your life and your friends and stuff, but it has turned into, "lets see how many pictures I can take of myself making different poses!!" Seriously, I have taken more pictures of myself in the past few months than I have in my entire lifetime. Its so vain and its so selfish and its just dumb and pointless and its not who I am. And I am sick of it. I am sick of the person myspace has made me become. Its not me, and its not who I want to be. I want to serve God, I want to be His soldier and go where He wants me to go and do what He wants me to do, and I'm pretty sure taking tons of pictures of myself and logging onto a website 10 times in a day and spending hours on it is not what He has in mind. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I deleted my myspace altogether after Lent is over.

And what bugs me even more, is that when I tell people that I'm giving up myspace for Lent, their automatic response is "omg you're crazy... myspace is like my life!!" What the heck?? Since when is a virtual world your life?? Sorry, but no. Go out and live your life. We were not put on this earth to sit at computer desks for hours... creating html codes and begging for comments and being vain by taking tons of thousands of pictures of ourselves every week. So while others may be talking about their lives, I'm going out and living mine.

Bottom line: Lent is amazing. If I had read all of this ^^ that I just said a couple of weeks ago, I would have thought that I was crazy and overreacting. But Lent has made me realize that life isnt about all the vanity and the social cliches and the messaging and commenting and pictures and bullitens..... its about living, and loving, and being who you are in the flesh, not on a computer screen. Don't get me wrong, I still think myspace is a pretty cool invention, kudos to Tom, but I'm also wary of the demons it contains, as we all should be. Ands its not just in myspace.... its in everything. We need to be aware of everything in our daily lives that we do which bring us further away from our purpose here. I know I'm getting all preachy, but thats truly how I feel. And that is what Lent has made me realize, and its only the second day!!! I am sooo excited for this Lent, and for the next 38 days. I have a feeling that God has many, many, lessons for me to learn.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLOG!!!

So i am a complete ditz and totally forgot my blog's birthday was 3 days ago! so.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLOG!! i cant believe i've been blogging for a year... wow. i'm totally slacking though... dont worry, i'll start posting a lot more again....

oh sad day...

My poor car Sniper after it got backed in to. sniff.

WOOOT!

So today is my 6 month anniversery of getting my license. So THAT means that i can drive one other person under the age of 21 that is not a family member. legally. so, yay for that. anyone wanna go to lunch on tuesday? cuz i can drive you!!! lol.

For lack of anything better to write about

Today during rehersal/tech for the play, a bunch of guys thought it would be funny if I could fit into a fridge. Not a running one, mind you, but a really old one. and not a big one. it was probably 4 feet tall and had a huge ice box that hung down like a foot and a half on one side of the inside. so i'm not really sure how they convinced me to get inside the fridge, but i did. and i was like mortifyed cuz once i got in they called all these people over to look at me. several pictures were taken. it was not fun. and then i get out and 10 minutes later i find out that the fridge up until like 2 days ago was covered in mold on the inside. so now i'm probably going to get like, cancer or something. i'm so smart sometimes! Below is the picture that someone took of me on their camera phone. i'm hiding my head in shame.